Day 1 - Tank admits straight away that he doesn't like the look of Emma. He says she looks like a lesbian. As it turns out, Jayne is in fact the only lesbian in the house, although Nick later admits that he is unsure of his true sexuality.
2 - The house sit down for a discussion of how to organise simple chores. Tim creates tension by stating that the kitchen is where the women belong. Mary hits him with a knife.
3 - The housemates are set their first task by Big Brother - they must make a model of Empire State Building out of bread. After much persuasion by Tim, they gamble 50% of next week's food budget on completing the task.
4 - Training for the Empire State Building task is well under way. However havoc ensues when Nick, who is rapidly developing a reputation as the laziest fat bastard in the house, eats half the bread. Mary is furious.
5 - Today is the day when the Empire State Building task must be completed. Things are going well until shortly before the end when Nick farts and blows Empire State Building over. Big Brother announces that the task has been a failure. Emma cries.
6 - Tim gets pecked on the arm by one of the Big Brother chickens. Not a very exciting day.
7 - Big Brother is worried that things are getting dull, so he summons the housemates to have a mass debate about sex. After far too many cans of cider, Emma admits that she likes to be spanked on the arse with a knife. Tank says he never wears condoms because they make his willy sore and Tim agrees. Jayne goes into a rant about how none of the other housemates have ever enjoyed a true orgasm because they're all boring heterosexual bastards. Nick sits in the corner, quietly eyeing up Tim.
8 - Today is the first day that the housemates must nominate someone to leave. Tank goes round everyone one by one, telling them he really likes them because they're the only one in the house that he can really relate to. Mary and Emma are voted as the two candidates to leave. Nobody votes for Tank.
9 - Mary and Emma are told of their nominations and burst into tears, before hugging everyone and telling them they love them. Jayne sings them a song - Agadoo - to make them feel better.
10 - The public vote Emma out of the house. She pretends not to be bothered but then breaks down and sobs that she should never have admitted about enjoying being spanked. Emma leaves.
11 - Relationships are strained in the house as the housemates come to terms with Emma's departure. The food budget is low due to the failure of last week's failed task. Jayne has to make do without the cucumber she requested. Mary is visibly depressed and is comforted by Tim, who tries to touch her on her fanny.
12 - The Big Brother pyschologist replays the footage of Tim touching Mary's fanny over and over again. This is because it shows an interesting psychological incident, of course, not because it will increase the viewing figures. Big Brother sets the housemates the task of jogging on a running machine for twice the circumferance of the globe. They gamble 40% of the food budget on completing it.
13 - The running machine task is on target, despite the fact that Nick refuses to run because his willy hurts a bit.
14 - Much jubilation in the house as the running machine task is completed. Nick finally manages to run the last 10 metres of the task and claims that without him they'd never have done it.
15 - Once again it is the day when nominations are due. Tank tells everyone individually that he thinks Mary is a whore. He also points out that anyone who wants to stay at his flat when the show is finished is welcome to come and visit. Mary and Tim are nominated by the housemates to leave. Nobody votes for Tank.
16 - The nominations are announced. Mary can't believe she's been voted out two weeks in a row. Tim is equally stunned and turns to Mary for comfort. Nick is distraught and confesses to Jayne that he thinks he is in love with Tim. Jayne says she doesn't fancy any of the housemates because they're all just too heterosexual and she's a lesbian, you know
17 - The public vote Tim out of the house. Mary says she is gutted and even gives Tim a clipping of hair from her fanny to prove how much she cares. Nick is also devastated but keeps his hair to himself. Tim leaves.
18 - The Big Brother psychologist shows repeated clips of Mary clipping the hair from her fanny. Apparently this is an important psychological incident. The public obviously agree as viewing figures soar.
19 - Big Brother sets the housemates the task of burping the National Anthem of Bolivia in 60 seconds. They gamble 50% of the food budget on completing it.
20 - Nobody has a clue what the National Anthem of Bolivia sounds like but Nick says it's a bit like Dancing Queen. The housemates choose Tank as the one who must complete the task.
21 - Tank successfully burps not only the National Anthem of Bolivia but also God Save The Queen, Agadoo and the theme tune to Big Brother. He is proclaimed as a hero, despite the fact that a vote in a tabloid newspaper shows that 98% of the public want to kill him.
22 - Nominations are due and Tank tells everyone that he has a Villa in the South of France and they can all come and stay for a holiday. Nick and Jayne are nominated.
23 - Nick and Jayne take their nominations well and sit down with Tank and Mary to discuss why they voted for them. Tank keeps quiet but Mary accuses Nick of being an arrogant, lazy, self-centred willy before bursting into tears.
24 - The public vote Jayne out of the house and nobody really gives a shit. Jayne leaves.
25 - Tank becomes the first housemate to have a wank. This footage goes down well with the Big Brother pschologist who proclaims that it gives us a true insight into the working of Tank's mind and brings out his true personality. In other words, he's a wanker.
26 - Big Brother sets the remaining three housemates the task of shifting 5000 tons of elephant dung using only a knife. Tank is unsure but Nick is confident, claiming to have done something very similar when he was younger. They gamble 50% of the food budget.
27 - Completely out of the blue, Nick breaks down in tears and announces that he is leaving. He claims that it is because the dung-shifting task has brought back the painful memories of the elephant incident from his childhood. Mary tries to persuade him to stay but Tank sits in a corner, rubbing his hands slyly. Nick decides to leave.
28 - With only two housemates remaining, the elephant dung task proves impossible. They fail miserably and resort to getting extremely pissed on some vegetable wine, made by Mary from a couple of mouldy carrots she found in the Big Brother garden.
29 - Nominations are due for the final time. Tank asks Mary to marry him and she accepts. Unsurprisingly Tank nominates Mary to leave. Rather more surprisingly, so does Mary.
30 - When the nomination is announced, Mary graciously accepts defeat and proclaims that Tank is a worthy winner. As they are soon to marry, she also agrees to shag him. The event is broadcast live to the nation and is preceded by a speech from the Queen. Everyone in the Big Brother production crew breathe a huge sigh of relief as viewing figures go through the roof. Tank takes his £70,000 and runs away to Bolivia. Nobody, including Mary, ever sees him again.
Courtesy of www.dc8p.com
TOP
BACK